absent but present

summer 2012

remember when summer used to last a really, really long time?!  when june would end and you'd have worn through a pair of flip-flops and moved on to a new favorite flavor of popsicle?  if you are around my age now, middle pushing late, you know that is no longer the case.  i began this post in july but never finished it because time got away from me.  

this summer i attended my thirtieth high school reunion.  what a unique experience of time travel!  some classmates i recognized immediately but not because they looked the same as they did back then.  i was drawn to those people whose spirit i remembered, whether they had aged much or not.  and those were the easy conversations, the ones that picked up mid-stream, effortlessly.  the rest felt like an interview process: where do you live?  what are you doing?  how old are your children?  just like now, there people you connect with and there are those you spend polite time with.   

so time has its power and yet there are incidences in which it is insignificant.  as i vow to post more often, i hope to work with time in the best of ways.

fall

sunset through the trees last night, before the full moon rose

it is september first so i say we are now in the fall season.  i know the calendars and the solar system don't agree but that no longer concerns me.  when i was a kid, the calendar was broken up into four three-month periods.  december, january, and february were winter months.  march, april and may were spring.  summer consisted of june, july and august.  and fall was made up of september, october, and november.  simple and, for the most part, accurate.  so i have continued to refer to the seasons by this calendar to this day.

i have been a remiss blogger.  i have neglected this space for much too long although i am always writing, in my head and on paper.  and i have missed being here.  so, in the spirit of a new season, i am going to try to post more regularly.  and i hope to see you join me here.  

another fab gift

i wanted to share with you this gift i received last month from my friend (for almost 30 years!), kellie. she is a photographer, a designer, and lives her life on the cutting edge of cool.

she had her photographs put into a blank journal. each page is stamped with her creative vision.

the book features scenes from her travels, her home, and the things that catch her eye each day.

i can't wait to fill it with words but for now i enjoy leafing through the images and beckoning empty spaces.

i love gifts that contain something of the giver, pieces of a person that i can hold and cherish.

i own many journals but this one is extra special. when it is filled, i will have collaborated creatively with one of my best friends. i can't ask for more from a present.

48 in 48

my forty-eighth birthday is today and i was so inspired by andria's birthday list last year that i just had to make my own. so here are 48 things i have learned to be true in my 48 years:

1. people are more important than things
2. mexican restaurants serve the worst red wine
3. nice does matter
4. you are what you do, not what you say, or think, you are
5. living a balanced life means leaving room for junk food
6. walking is a good enough exercise
7. a good cook does not need fancy equipment
8. falling in love is not a crime
9. happiness is a choice
10. age happens and it is easier to just accept it gracefully
11. play rough, get hurt
12. good manners will open doors
13. the best weekends are like good vistas - wide open!
14. never say never - life will definitely humble you
15. you won't regret the time it takes to watch the sun rise or set
16. hot tea is good for the soul
17. bring your patience to the airport
18. comfort trumps style when it comes to shoes (and just about everything else!)
19. the more you have to do, the more you get done
20. summer is by far the shortest season
21. write it down if you want to remember it
22. life doesn't get easier but, with luck, age brings wisdom
23. finding someone you like to work with is a gift
24. the holiday season doesn't have to have rules
25. letting go is the hardest part of living
26. growing as a person is not linear - it takes many directions, even backwards
27. art = risk
28. real mail is so much more satisfying to send and receive than email
29. the presence of birth and death feels the same
30. getting together with old friends is never a waste of time
31. you can visit a place over and over and always find something new/different about it
32. work provides structure and meaning to life
33. there are an unlimited number of cloud formations
34. death is not the end; it is nothing to be feared
35. your siblings will grow up to be your best, and oldest, friends
36. a true, authentic life requires living through your soul
37. blue sky is something to smile about
38. everyone should know at least one favorite poem by heart
39. words are extensions of our thoughts and should be handled with care
40. there is nothing like hugging a horse for an instant shot of well-being
41. it's never too late to be who you really are and live the life you imagined
42. peanut butter m and m's are the best kind
43. there is a limited number of everything in life - birthdays, autumns, beautiful moments - so treasure each one
44. my three year old niece has the sweetest voice in all the world
45. you can learn something from everyone but sometimes it's not worth the bother
46. write, write, write
47. be kind even (especially) to yourself
48. wisdom is more important than truth

i plan to add to this list as i grow even older since i am no where close to being finished learning!

soaking it up

i'm not sure how much the human body can absorb, but i have been spending these first few days of the new year trying to soak up all the rest, peace, and gorgeous views that i can. soon i will be back in arizona, back to work and the hectic schedule that brings. so i would like to take some of this with me, hold it inside as long as i can, keep it in reserve. is that even possible? i know there will be days that i will need a shot of this feeling, of this space i am in here, to get through. just in case, i will continue to bask in relaxation and view gazing. if nothing else, it has began my new year in the right tone.

a new year

the new year is here: fresh, shiny, clean, crisp, and open. soon the calendar pages will begin to fill up and turn. right here and now i am enjoying the view from the beginning of 2012 and anticipating the trek through the days it holds.

my word this year is action. don't expect to see me zipping around with lots of energy, though. the action i have in mind is not so visible. i am hoping to complete some projects. i want to stay busy with positive activities. i will continue to work on the things that have made a difference for me so far. i have been completing the activities in susannah conway's unraveling the year ahead. it is so thought provoking and full of her wisdom - i have to wade through it little by little in these lazy days of winter break.

i feel like we are kids on a wooden dock over a lake in the summertime- let's grab hands, count to three and jump into the water together. i believe we will make a big splash. and come back up to the surface with smiles on our faces and giggles for our ears. ready!?

dreams

i get my love for and ability to dream from my dad. not the kind of dreaming that involves the imagining of a better life, but the activity that takes place as we sleep. my dad says he looks forward to going to bed each night because he anxiously awaits where his dreams will take him. he says he often meets my mother, who died nine years ago, in his dreams. i have always had frequent and vivid dreams. i revisit the same non-existent places, night after night. i could create a detailed map of the geography of my dream world. i don't dismiss these dreams but neither do i take them seriously. if they have been trying to direct or inform me, i have been oblivious. but, like my dad, i happily anticipate the people and places i will encounter in my sleep each night.

the edge

some of us live on the edge. the edge of comfort, of safety, of fear, of financial ruin.

some of us find the edge inside of us - the edge of sanity, of reason, of depression and that bottomless pit.

some of us seek the edge through daring behaviors, extreme sports, exotic travel, or substance abuse.

and some of us avoid the edge at all costs. we turn away by playing it safe, staying home and following those familiar routines. by holding back.

an artist finds that edge and walks its contours. she values the views from the rim in both directions. she uses the edge as a tool to guide her work.

but the edge, itself, is indifferent to us all.

love, all wrapped up

i know it's been said that you can't give love in a package but i have to share with you some gifts i received this season that warmed my heart.

my friend, deanna, knitted me these beautiful wrist warmers. i can wear these while writing, typing, and even crafting! each time i put them on, i think of all the work and care she put into making them.

my husband gave me this book about the town where both of us graduated from high school. it is a place that is very special for both of us so this book was full of meaning.

as one of my christmas gifts, he bought me a private concert, via skype, with tristen. she is an amazing, young musician who happens to be very personable. the deal also included a journal and scarf handmade by her!

my sister and her sweet family sent me these earrings. when i was young i loved anything celestial. leave it to a sibling to remember who you are, what you treasure under the layers of age. i am overwhelmed that she reminded me of me.

my stepdaughter gave me this precious bracelet. it is symbolic of so much we have been through but states that love ultimately remains.

and, yes, sometimes it can be wrapped and gifted at christmas.

wild deep

holiday decor (still in progress)

i have been in what some call the wild deep. that place within myself that is far removed from others, from social obligation, from reaching out. i have been constantly thinking and creating, though: silently, thoughtfully, intensely. and now i am ready to share all that i have harbored. the holiday season is at our doorstep and i am inviting it in with joy. i plan to be much more visible this month and i have lots to share with you. and i am ready to fully take in what you are doing and look forward to the conversations we will have in this space. thank you for being here.

friendship

one of my friends turned forty last month and decided to celebrate by coming down from colorado to arizona with two of her good friends for veterans' day weekend. they arrived late thursday night and stayed until sunday evening. the time in-between was so full of joy and healing that it can only be described as pure girlfriend magic.

we traveled from phoenix to wickenburg to sedona and all the way up to the grand canyon. but we also journeyed into each other's hearts and stories. we shared hopes and opinions and ideas. the time we spent in each other's presence lasted from morning until early morning and we filled every minute with synergy.

i should be tired and crabby today from the lack of sleep i have gotten. but, instead, i am inspired and content. i feel beyond lucky to have gathered these three women in my space for three days and for the chance to bask in their incredible positive energy. each of them is so full of light and warmth. i am still glowing.

and so i encourage you to round up your friends, new and old. drive. talk and eat and stay up late. spill your secrets onto their laps just to feel the support and love that will fill your soul. give up your sleep and a few days for an experience that will gift you the best of memories. a girls' getaway is not a cliche or just for the young and unattached. it is not a travel industry advertisement. it is for all of us - an opportunity to give and receive the best we have to offer.

and, in case you were wondering, i am to the far right in this photo. HA! no, not really. :-) i am second to the right, surrounded by (left to right) my soul sisters deb, evie, (me), and audrey.

me, a to z

A. Age: 47, on the eve of 48
B. Bed size: Queen. not too big, not too small
C. Chore that you hate: anything that has to do with red tape. or cleaning.
D. Dogs: they are like people - i like some but not others. however, i have had some very special ones in my life. <3
E. Essential start to your day: coffee with cream, a moment of meditation
F. Favorite color: the color of the sky right before it gets dark
G. Gold or Silver: silver
H. Height: 5’11"
I. Instruments you play: I don't play any well but that doesn't stop me from occasionally trying
J. Job title: reading interventionist
K. Kids: none of my own; 4 nephews and 2 nieces; 2 step-children; hundreds of students; currently one cat
L. Live: glendale, arizona; northwest of phoenix
M. Mother’s name: lana kae
N. Nicknames: my nieces and nephews call me lolo :-) my brother and sister used to call me baby when we were growing up even though i was the oldest kid in the family
O. Overnight hospital stays: thankfully none and i intend to keep it that way!
P. Pet peeves: slackers at work
Q. Quote from a movie: "damn it, jim!" oh, that was a tv show. but jim is my husband's name so it is just fun to say every once in awhile
R. Right or left handed: right
S. Siblings: a younger sister and an even younger brother
U. Underwear: comfy over attractive
V. Vegetable you hate: i love veggies!
W. What makes you run late: daydreaming
X. X-Rays you’ve had: arm, teeth
Y. Yummy food that you make: my mom's gingersnap cookies
Z. Zoo animal: i'm really not a zoo person

and you?

lake shore walk

the following is an excerpt from a journal entry i made on sunday, november 6:

we went for a walk along the lake shore this morning. i was comfortable sitting inside but something was beckoning me to step out and experience the day.

the lake water is way down, leaving little "treasures", natural and other-wise, out to view.

the water plants in curvy formations in the sand, rusty railroad spikes, broken glass catching light, driftwood in awkward formations, and rocks in varied colors. thin layers of ice covered small pools of water on the mud, crunching delicately under our feet.

a thin line of geese swam next to us until one of them honked a cryptic directive and they lifted off the water with powerful strokes of wings.

the air here smells of wood smoke and lake water. in the six weeks since we were last here, autumn has settled in where there was once the sparkle of summer.

being back. kind of.

i returned home last saturday from spending a week in italy. the following is one of my pre-sleep scribblings which describes how i feel after jumping back into regular life again.

i have been so tired this week. it is as if i am still there, but here, and not quite whole. flying is hard for my spirit and i blame it on having an old soul not used to speeding through the air above the earth. at night, i snuggle with sleep, unwilling to release it when the time comes to get up. in the dark, my mind sorts through the memories from our trip: mentally sorting, scrapbooking, journaling. i was gone only a week but this vacation will last as a part of me now, settling into the frame of my life, graphing itself into me for good.

love letter to rome

a page from my travel journal featuring a vintage postcard of the colosseum

dear rome,

i have been away from you much too long, i know. there was a time in my life when you were my truest love and i thrived in your embrace. well, i am returning in just a few short days to see you again. this time i have no checklist, no agenda, for you and i are beyond that stage in our relationship. i am coming back to just sit in your piazzas, walk your cobblestone streets, and drink in the intoxicating atmosphere that has made you popular for centuries. and, i must tell you, i am bringing someone with me - you don't know him but he is someone i believe will be as enamored with you as i am. so look for us as we look for you. and know how much it has meant to me over the years that you remain solid in a world that spins much too fast.

love, me

*i will be in italy for a week, october 8 - 14. a presto!

prickly love

while hiking a couple of weekends ago, i spotted this cactus. at first it seemed like such an opposition - a heart with spines?! we snapped a few photos and moved on down the trail. but this image has stayed with me and i have given a lot of thought to why this cactus is the perfect spokes-thing for love. lets face it, love is often very fickle and hard to hang on to. it is visible but difficult to approach. we like to imagine it as warm and fuzzy but it can be pokey and cause pain. just think of how we protect our own vulnerable hearts behind defense mechanisms more complex, but just as effective, as thorns. so a cactus heart really does have a lot to say about the nature of love. pliers, anyone?!

the truth

the truth is i would love to write and paint and create more often than i do. i run around through my days with ideas simmering in my head but often that is where they stay.

the truth is i want to blog every day or at least several times a week but this isn't what happens. sometimes more than a week slips by between posts.

the truth is i work a full time job in which i use up so much energy doing the way i believe it needs to be done. there are evenings when i arrive home with nothing left to give.

the truth is i sometimes get discouraged and begin to believe that i should put all my artistic pursuits on the shelf. at least for now. and just focus on the immediate things that need to be accomplished on a daily basis.

but the truth is i would not be me if i gave up on this part of my life. so i will continue to search for those bits of free time, treasure and use them fully when they appear, and try not to berate myself when a few days go by that are filled up with the other parts of my life. i will have faith that there will be time, here and there, for all i wish to do.

my love of clouds

i love clouds. i find them more interesting and beautiful than anything else i see on a daily basis. how lucky i am that what i enjoy so much is easily found here on earth by just looking up most days.

click here for an absolutely gorgeous view of clouds. and let me know what it is that you love to look at.

where i'm from

Where I'm From

I am from the shadow of mountains, from coca cola and long, dusty roads.

I am from the little cozy houses throughout the west, filled with outdoor treasures and warm fires.

I am from the lilac bushes in spring, my mom's carefully planted petunias, scattered cedar trees, sage brush, wildflowers and lots of wood.

I am from homemade Christmas presents and philosophical dinner conversations, the Little House books and the music of John Denver, from Lana and Rex, Meezy and Dirty Dan.

I am from the gypsies and the scholars, the dreamers and the workers, the hunters and the gatherers.

From "play rough, get hurt" and "people are more important than things."

I am from the natural places more sacred than churches, poetry recited aloud, the wonder of science, the power of gratitude, and the embrace of uncertainty.

I am from the Black Hills and the Rocky Mountains, Lake Pend O'reille and countless winding rivers, nourished by elk burger, gingersnap cookies, and homemade birthday cakes.

From the little brown nickel my mom tried to buy an ice cream with, the wolf my dad saw in the Colorado mountains, and the shoes my grandma coveted when she was young and oh, so poor.

I am from keeping memories in my mind (so they will never be lost) and the joy of retelling family stories to each other and our newest members.

*This template was used by Corrine on her blog last week. I just loved reading hers and had so much fun writing my own. The original can be found here in case you would like to try it.

signs

one day a couple months ago we took my two nephews for a hike. the beginning of the hike was steep and we all stayed together, sharing water and taking breaks. then, on the way back down to the trail head, they picked up their pace and got way ahead of us. i was somewhat worried since i could not see them and wasn't even sure they stayed on the right trail. then to my delight, we found some signs on the path that they had made with sticks and rocks to let us know they were up ahead.

this one says lolo, which is what they call me

here they scratched my name in the dirt and left an arrow pointing to which way they had gone

i often wish there were more signs in life to show us which way to go and let us know we are on the right path. maybe i just need to slow down and start paying attention.