dreams

i get my love for and ability to dream from my dad. not the kind of dreaming that involves the imagining of a better life, but the activity that takes place as we sleep. my dad says he looks forward to going to bed each night because he anxiously awaits where his dreams will take him. he says he often meets my mother, who died nine years ago, in his dreams. i have always had frequent and vivid dreams. i revisit the same non-existent places, night after night. i could create a detailed map of the geography of my dream world. i don't dismiss these dreams but neither do i take them seriously. if they have been trying to direct or inform me, i have been oblivious. but, like my dad, i happily anticipate the people and places i will encounter in my sleep each night.

the edge

some of us live on the edge. the edge of comfort, of safety, of fear, of financial ruin.

some of us find the edge inside of us - the edge of sanity, of reason, of depression and that bottomless pit.

some of us seek the edge through daring behaviors, extreme sports, exotic travel, or substance abuse.

and some of us avoid the edge at all costs. we turn away by playing it safe, staying home and following those familiar routines. by holding back.

an artist finds that edge and walks its contours. she values the views from the rim in both directions. she uses the edge as a tool to guide her work.

but the edge, itself, is indifferent to us all.

love, all wrapped up

i know it's been said that you can't give love in a package but i have to share with you some gifts i received this season that warmed my heart.

my friend, deanna, knitted me these beautiful wrist warmers. i can wear these while writing, typing, and even crafting! each time i put them on, i think of all the work and care she put into making them.

my husband gave me this book about the town where both of us graduated from high school. it is a place that is very special for both of us so this book was full of meaning.

as one of my christmas gifts, he bought me a private concert, via skype, with tristen. she is an amazing, young musician who happens to be very personable. the deal also included a journal and scarf handmade by her!

my sister and her sweet family sent me these earrings. when i was young i loved anything celestial. leave it to a sibling to remember who you are, what you treasure under the layers of age. i am overwhelmed that she reminded me of me.

my stepdaughter gave me this precious bracelet. it is symbolic of so much we have been through but states that love ultimately remains.

and, yes, sometimes it can be wrapped and gifted at christmas.

wild deep

holiday decor (still in progress)

i have been in what some call the wild deep. that place within myself that is far removed from others, from social obligation, from reaching out. i have been constantly thinking and creating, though: silently, thoughtfully, intensely. and now i am ready to share all that i have harbored. the holiday season is at our doorstep and i am inviting it in with joy. i plan to be much more visible this month and i have lots to share with you. and i am ready to fully take in what you are doing and look forward to the conversations we will have in this space. thank you for being here.

friendship

one of my friends turned forty last month and decided to celebrate by coming down from colorado to arizona with two of her good friends for veterans' day weekend. they arrived late thursday night and stayed until sunday evening. the time in-between was so full of joy and healing that it can only be described as pure girlfriend magic.

we traveled from phoenix to wickenburg to sedona and all the way up to the grand canyon. but we also journeyed into each other's hearts and stories. we shared hopes and opinions and ideas. the time we spent in each other's presence lasted from morning until early morning and we filled every minute with synergy.

i should be tired and crabby today from the lack of sleep i have gotten. but, instead, i am inspired and content. i feel beyond lucky to have gathered these three women in my space for three days and for the chance to bask in their incredible positive energy. each of them is so full of light and warmth. i am still glowing.

and so i encourage you to round up your friends, new and old. drive. talk and eat and stay up late. spill your secrets onto their laps just to feel the support and love that will fill your soul. give up your sleep and a few days for an experience that will gift you the best of memories. a girls' getaway is not a cliche or just for the young and unattached. it is not a travel industry advertisement. it is for all of us - an opportunity to give and receive the best we have to offer.

and, in case you were wondering, i am to the far right in this photo. HA! no, not really. :-) i am second to the right, surrounded by (left to right) my soul sisters deb, evie, (me), and audrey.

me, a to z

A. Age: 47, on the eve of 48
B. Bed size: Queen. not too big, not too small
C. Chore that you hate: anything that has to do with red tape. or cleaning.
D. Dogs: they are like people - i like some but not others. however, i have had some very special ones in my life. <3
E. Essential start to your day: coffee with cream, a moment of meditation
F. Favorite color: the color of the sky right before it gets dark
G. Gold or Silver: silver
H. Height: 5’11"
I. Instruments you play: I don't play any well but that doesn't stop me from occasionally trying
J. Job title: reading interventionist
K. Kids: none of my own; 4 nephews and 2 nieces; 2 step-children; hundreds of students; currently one cat
L. Live: glendale, arizona; northwest of phoenix
M. Mother’s name: lana kae
N. Nicknames: my nieces and nephews call me lolo :-) my brother and sister used to call me baby when we were growing up even though i was the oldest kid in the family
O. Overnight hospital stays: thankfully none and i intend to keep it that way!
P. Pet peeves: slackers at work
Q. Quote from a movie: "damn it, jim!" oh, that was a tv show. but jim is my husband's name so it is just fun to say every once in awhile
R. Right or left handed: right
S. Siblings: a younger sister and an even younger brother
U. Underwear: comfy over attractive
V. Vegetable you hate: i love veggies!
W. What makes you run late: daydreaming
X. X-Rays you’ve had: arm, teeth
Y. Yummy food that you make: my mom's gingersnap cookies
Z. Zoo animal: i'm really not a zoo person

and you?

lake shore walk

the following is an excerpt from a journal entry i made on sunday, november 6:

we went for a walk along the lake shore this morning. i was comfortable sitting inside but something was beckoning me to step out and experience the day.

the lake water is way down, leaving little "treasures", natural and other-wise, out to view.

the water plants in curvy formations in the sand, rusty railroad spikes, broken glass catching light, driftwood in awkward formations, and rocks in varied colors. thin layers of ice covered small pools of water on the mud, crunching delicately under our feet.

a thin line of geese swam next to us until one of them honked a cryptic directive and they lifted off the water with powerful strokes of wings.

the air here smells of wood smoke and lake water. in the six weeks since we were last here, autumn has settled in where there was once the sparkle of summer.

being back. kind of.

i returned home last saturday from spending a week in italy. the following is one of my pre-sleep scribblings which describes how i feel after jumping back into regular life again.

i have been so tired this week. it is as if i am still there, but here, and not quite whole. flying is hard for my spirit and i blame it on having an old soul not used to speeding through the air above the earth. at night, i snuggle with sleep, unwilling to release it when the time comes to get up. in the dark, my mind sorts through the memories from our trip: mentally sorting, scrapbooking, journaling. i was gone only a week but this vacation will last as a part of me now, settling into the frame of my life, graphing itself into me for good.

love letter to rome

a page from my travel journal featuring a vintage postcard of the colosseum

dear rome,

i have been away from you much too long, i know. there was a time in my life when you were my truest love and i thrived in your embrace. well, i am returning in just a few short days to see you again. this time i have no checklist, no agenda, for you and i are beyond that stage in our relationship. i am coming back to just sit in your piazzas, walk your cobblestone streets, and drink in the intoxicating atmosphere that has made you popular for centuries. and, i must tell you, i am bringing someone with me - you don't know him but he is someone i believe will be as enamored with you as i am. so look for us as we look for you. and know how much it has meant to me over the years that you remain solid in a world that spins much too fast.

love, me

*i will be in italy for a week, october 8 - 14. a presto!

prickly love

while hiking a couple of weekends ago, i spotted this cactus. at first it seemed like such an opposition - a heart with spines?! we snapped a few photos and moved on down the trail. but this image has stayed with me and i have given a lot of thought to why this cactus is the perfect spokes-thing for love. lets face it, love is often very fickle and hard to hang on to. it is visible but difficult to approach. we like to imagine it as warm and fuzzy but it can be pokey and cause pain. just think of how we protect our own vulnerable hearts behind defense mechanisms more complex, but just as effective, as thorns. so a cactus heart really does have a lot to say about the nature of love. pliers, anyone?!

the truth

the truth is i would love to write and paint and create more often than i do. i run around through my days with ideas simmering in my head but often that is where they stay.

the truth is i want to blog every day or at least several times a week but this isn't what happens. sometimes more than a week slips by between posts.

the truth is i work a full time job in which i use up so much energy doing the way i believe it needs to be done. there are evenings when i arrive home with nothing left to give.

the truth is i sometimes get discouraged and begin to believe that i should put all my artistic pursuits on the shelf. at least for now. and just focus on the immediate things that need to be accomplished on a daily basis.

but the truth is i would not be me if i gave up on this part of my life. so i will continue to search for those bits of free time, treasure and use them fully when they appear, and try not to berate myself when a few days go by that are filled up with the other parts of my life. i will have faith that there will be time, here and there, for all i wish to do.

my love of clouds

i love clouds. i find them more interesting and beautiful than anything else i see on a daily basis. how lucky i am that what i enjoy so much is easily found here on earth by just looking up most days.

click here for an absolutely gorgeous view of clouds. and let me know what it is that you love to look at.

where i'm from

Where I'm From

I am from the shadow of mountains, from coca cola and long, dusty roads.

I am from the little cozy houses throughout the west, filled with outdoor treasures and warm fires.

I am from the lilac bushes in spring, my mom's carefully planted petunias, scattered cedar trees, sage brush, wildflowers and lots of wood.

I am from homemade Christmas presents and philosophical dinner conversations, the Little House books and the music of John Denver, from Lana and Rex, Meezy and Dirty Dan.

I am from the gypsies and the scholars, the dreamers and the workers, the hunters and the gatherers.

From "play rough, get hurt" and "people are more important than things."

I am from the natural places more sacred than churches, poetry recited aloud, the wonder of science, the power of gratitude, and the embrace of uncertainty.

I am from the Black Hills and the Rocky Mountains, Lake Pend O'reille and countless winding rivers, nourished by elk burger, gingersnap cookies, and homemade birthday cakes.

From the little brown nickel my mom tried to buy an ice cream with, the wolf my dad saw in the Colorado mountains, and the shoes my grandma coveted when she was young and oh, so poor.

I am from keeping memories in my mind (so they will never be lost) and the joy of retelling family stories to each other and our newest members.

*This template was used by Corrine on her blog last week. I just loved reading hers and had so much fun writing my own. The original can be found here in case you would like to try it.

signs

one day a couple months ago we took my two nephews for a hike. the beginning of the hike was steep and we all stayed together, sharing water and taking breaks. then, on the way back down to the trail head, they picked up their pace and got way ahead of us. i was somewhat worried since i could not see them and wasn't even sure they stayed on the right trail. then to my delight, we found some signs on the path that they had made with sticks and rocks to let us know they were up ahead.

this one says lolo, which is what they call me

here they scratched my name in the dirt and left an arrow pointing to which way they had gone

i often wish there were more signs in life to show us which way to go and let us know we are on the right path. maybe i just need to slow down and start paying attention.

low to no tech

here is a glimpse into my low to no tech style of writing. i have been using a notebook i bought for 28 cents and a mechanical pencil (with thick lead since i tend to be a hard presser.) i can throw it in my bag and take it out wherever when i have another thought ready to be put to words.

i am writing a short fictional story. it was inspired by a dream i had one night (i have some crazy dreams!) and has since been pushing at me to get out. i love being caught up in a creative project and this has kept me busy thinking and writing for days. i don't know what i am going to do with it when it's finished. maybe some stories are written just for the sake of the writing.

healing

i have really been thinking a lot about the process of healing lately. it requires complete presence to overcome illness and injury. and i'm not sure if the things i am learning are universal or just pertain to my own body and mind.

for me, i discover the most about this process by not thinking, by letting my body help me feel my way through it. but it also requires a strong, steady mindset - it is easy to over-react, get off-course, succumb to fear. i made a list of the things that are healing for me including hot tea, long baths, sunshine, music, the sound of rain, deep sleep, and patience. i plan to review this list when i need to focus on getting or keeping well. it is part of the human experience to care for our bodies when they encounter difficulties and they all eventually do. i encourage everyone to make a list of the things that are healing for you so you will have it on hand when the need arises.

an angel

i believe in a guardian angel of roadkill. an invisible saint that comforts animal souls after they have been hurt or injured by vehicles.

this being's soft voice drowns out crunching metal, squealing tires and shattered glass. her warm touch protects against impact with hard and rough surfaces. but most of all, the angel's presence conveys love during a horrific experience. she accompanies these victims to a peaceful place away from machines and pavement. it is what any living being deserves, especially those without guilt or power. so i choose to believe in and honor this most special of guardian angels.

my tribe

i like how the word tribe is used to describe those in your close circle, your best friends and strongest connections, the like-minded souls you feel akin with. it sounds like a sacred word in a somewhat cold and secular world. to be in someone's tribe is a great honor and privilege.

artwork by my nephew, frankie

in my own life, my tribe is small and change is rare. i guard my tribe fiercely and have a very nurturing role with its members. it brings me heartache to have someone within, for whatever reason, move on. my tribe gives life meaning to me and inspires my best self to come forward. i continue to hope and work for a better world because of my tribe. who makes up your tribe?

birth day stories

every time someone i know celebrates a birthday i ask to hear their birth day story. we all have one that is as unique as we are. where were you born? what time of day did you make your appearance? who was there? what was the weather like at that time? each birth is surrounded by joy and pain, hopes and dreams, memories and connections. there is an energy that is present when someone enters this world that contains so much possibility. time holds billions of birth stories out there and each one is sacred and precious. i encourage you to tell these stories, write them down, linger over the details and make them a part of the fabric that is your family.

a life on paper

i love the names of certain towns: peace river, harmony, dove creek, santa fe. i imagine saying and writing my address there. i plan a life that includes long walks, flower gardens, dreamy views. i mentally arrange all the furniture and plants on my front porch. inside, i keep my cats, over-stuffed chairs and stacks of books. oh, and all these homes have fire places and banana bread baking in the oven. just the pleasing name of a dot on the map and i can envision a whole future in that place.

desert moon rise

this summer my husband and i have been making a date on the night of the full moon to drive out into the desert and watch the full moon rise.

we set up chairs and soak up all the evening ambiance: the fading heat, bird calls, and the faint whispering of cars zooming by on the nearby road. the anticipation is intense and makes me giddy. then, without fail, we see the white sphere begin to appear. it is a show that has been running for thousands of years and yet it never fails to enchant. i remind myself that there are only a limited number of moon rises left in my lifetime - a bittersweet reminder to fully enjoy each one. i hope to continue this "tradition" into the fall and winter months.

memory with flavor

yesterday i ate about 20 of these little heath candy bars!

it's not that they aren't so delicious (although i didn't care for them as a kid) but this was my mom's favorite treat. she didn't indulge often but when she had candy it was usually a heath bar. or at least that's the way i remember it. so yesterday, while i was putting them into my mouth every few minutes, i remembered her. the perfect description of emotional eating! i don't often associate food with such strong memories but this connection was so clear. there are many ways i think of my mom each day and i don't plan to make this a habit, but for just this once it was a sweet trip down memory lane.

a few good questions

ihanna used this quote in one of her recent blog posts:

"The simplest questions are the most profound. Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going?

What are you doing? Think about these once in a while and watch your answers change."

Richard Bach

i plan to use these questions to guide one of my journal pages later today. just thinking about them makes my mind branch off into the possibilities of answers so i am anxious to get them down on paper. what would you say? and what will we say ten years from now?

frida find

last weekend i was in a used bookstore and bought this book of postcards for just $2.50!

i am so intrigued with all things frida. a couple of years ago my friend, kl, and i got to visit her home in mexico city and i was so mesmerized by the way her spirit was felt in every part of it. her husband, the artist diego rivera, described her work as being "as lovable as a beautiful smile and as cruel as all the bitterness of life." i am planning to send these postcards to the fabulous women in my life to let them know how much they mean to me.

a moment

the following was written in my journal on july 25, 2011, en-route from prescott, az to the grand canyon:

it was a moment, one of those "stop right there!" realizations: we were driving north on a two lane road and i could see blue sky, clouds, and trees. the composition was pleasing, beautiful in a soul-comforting way. so save awesomeness for someone else - i'll take this scenery over any "wonder of the world." i settled back in the passenger seat and traveled with this landscape as far as it would take us. this life coaxes us to reach for elusive gems, to want it all, to expect more from yourself and our experience here. but sometimes it is ok to say, "this is more than enough."

the grand canyon

i wrote the following in my journal while at the grand canyon, july 26:

the canyon reaches up and speaks slowly. she has time, she owns time. her messages are soft but she has so much to say. i let her take me in, i sink gratefully into her presence. it is a familiar feeling - the same motherly love i felt in africa. we walked along the rim, watching darkness snuggle against next to the rock walls within her. one of the many reoccurring cycles here, the transition from day to night is near complete. tomorrow she will gracefully endure heat and crowds, her peaceful demeanor unfazed. i feel so fortunate too share in her space.

lake manyana

the following is an excerpt from my africa travel journal:

i am in heaven right now sitting outside the manyara serna lodge in tanzania. the temperature is just right, the view is divine and ever-changing. i can see the vast lake manyara down below, which gathers its water from inside the earth. the sky is edging toward evening and seems endless. i can hear the peaceful conversations of birds and baboons. someone is playing drums in the distance. a thatched roof hut is waiting for me, clean and cozy, complete with mosquito netting canopies above each bed. i am experiencing one of those rare perfect moments.

june 29, 2011

africa's voice

the following is an excerpt from my africa travel journal:

africa spoke to me in hushed tones through waving grasses, trees that reach, and the monotonous breathing of lounging lions. the message is clear - stop looking and enjoy what you have and are currently experiencing. this she said at the heart level. i took it in layer by layer, knowing what a rare opportunity i was present for... i will honor it, hold her advice close to my heart, and live it each day.

july 2011

ngorongoro crater

the following is an excerpt from my africa travel journal:

this morning the crater was filled with mist like a steaming cauldron but now the clouds just hang over the edge for a peek inside. in another time this was a place of extreme activity, the earth opening up and pouring inside out. now it is calm, full of life. the rocks remember, the surrounding sides remember, for it was not that long ago for them. today the dirt roads are lined with safari jeeps, seeking the treasures of animal sightings and perfectly framed shots. darting here and there, raising dust and surpassing the expectations of so many tourists.

july 2011

tanzania

photo by kaylynn neal

rhinoceros

photo by kaylynn neal

the following is an excerpt from my africa travel journal:

rhinoceros, even your name evokes the prehistoric. all alone in a sea of grass, your back rising like a mountain range silhouette. your skin is poured lava crust, not organic looking at all. your ears fell short of your head and landed on your neck. steely eyes, far from warm, go well with the spike-like protrusion on your snout. you are not a beauty but such the prize. munching your breakfast, you raise your head and shutters snap. elusive, you are one of very few. in your presence, we are aware as the future holds its breath.

ngorongoro crater, tanzania

july 2011

a graveyard

the following is an excerpt from my africa travel journal:

the elephant skulls lay on the crater floor like scattered boulders in the grass. the elephants come here when they get old to eat the softer, more tender swamp grasses. by then, they are on their last set of teeth and apparently know this by some innate wisdom or instinct. they die here, leaving bones and spirits as massive as their former bodies. there is room in the crater to hold all that is, was, and will be.

july 3, 2011

ngorongoro crater, tanzania

photo by kaylynn neal

soaking it up

i know summer does not officially start until tomorrow but, here in arizona, the season sneaks in early. i have been busy soaking it up, enjoying every last ray of sunshine and each warm breeze.

i am lucky to be off work during june and july so these days are mine, all mine. i treasure the unstructured time and the ability to do as i choose (for the most part, anyway.) the ease of this season brings me so much joy. happy summer, everyone!

taste of summer

i have been buying and eating lots of apricots this month. when i was young, my grandparents had several apricot trees on their property in western colorado. i remember picking them right off the tree for a snack. they seemed much bigger, almost like apples, back then.

the funny thing is that as soon as i smell an apricot, my memories of those days come back so vividly. what a delicious way to time travel!

plants, please

flowers are so beautiful. i just spent a week with a friend who was hospitalized and her many, caring friends sent vases and baskets of flowers. the room was overflowing with color.

but the smell was also overwhelming. it reminded me of a funeral. or a mortuary. it is just my humble opinion, but i prefer plants, flowering or not. i like the smell of soil and the witnessing of the various stages a live plant goes through.

precarious

i took this photo out the window of a hospital where my good friend was battling a bad infection last month. on sunday one of my husband's co-workers died of a heart attack at age 44.

we forget that life is precarious and oh so precious and fleeting. that forgetting is a good and a not so good thing. is it better to live as if you were dying or live as if you will never die?

lemon-y happiness

one of the wonderful things about living in the southwest is the citrus! it seems as though there are months and months in which the trees are adorned with these gorgeous fruits - yellows and oranges against the greenest of green.

my husband made lemon pound cake last weekend, using a martha stuart recipe.

it was so delicious - to smell while it was baking and to eat when it was cooled.

such a yummy treat for all the senses.

the 100 list

here is a fun list i found on lulu's blog. you bold the things you have done. what i enjoyed about doing it is the way it made me think of all the incredible opportunities i have had, what i need to add to my "bucket list", and those things i know for sure will never happen to me.

1. Started your own blog

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity

7. Been to Disneyland

8. Climbed a mountain

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch hiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping

27. Run a Marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelos David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance

47. Had your portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching

63. Got flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper

85. Read the entire Bible

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone’s life

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Lost a loved one

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a law suit

98. Owned a cell phone

99. Been stung by a bee

100. Read an entire book in one day

published!

ok. here's a funny story for you. last may i wrote a piece titled "the abc's of packing" for a contest budget travel magazine was running. the prize was a free trip for two and i was motivated. well, i never heard anything back about the contest or my entry.

flash forward to last month when i received a budget travel magazine in the mail. i do not subscribe and i did not remember signing up but it was fun to get (i used many of the photos for journaling!) then, this past week, i received another issue. as i was looking through it on saturday, i happened to notice my name under one of the tips!

one of my packing tips, from my "abc's of packing", was picked out and published. i can't say it was my best tip or the one i would have chosen for the periodical to print, but i was thrilled to see my name, and see my words, on the page! and the writer of any tip printed in the magazine gets a free subscription for a year.

so i may never finish a novel or win a pulitzer but i can say i've been published. and i'm extremely grateful for that and the fact that, on any given day, i may be happily surprised.